He just went to work one day, then my life went into a tailspin after that.
Never in a million years did I think I’d be in a position where a policeman knocked on my door to tell me my dad had died and that he’d taken his own life.
The thing that hurt the most was the fact he felt like he couldn’t speak to me about his issues, when we’d had countless conversations about making sure you’re okay and looking after yourself.
I would always say ‘I’m fine, dad, I’ve got you and mum – but you’ve got a lot on, you need to talk to people too, you can always talk to me’. He’d say ‘I will’.
So never in a million years did I think I would be in this position.
My dad was in his fifties when he died.
I had started my own life – I was moving to Wales to teach and it was getting to the point where the roles were reversing, and he was able to talk to me a bit more about situations going on at work and things that he was struggling with.
Funnily enough, mental health never really came up, though.
His concern for other people came up, but not his concerns.
I remember saying to him once, ‘dad, you deal with everybody else but don’t forget about yourself’ and he said ‘yeh I know Lou, I will’.
I just wish now that he understood how serious I was – that, yes, I was still his little girl and would always be his little girl, but also I was there for him to lean on whenever he needed anything.
So I want to try and make that more apparent to dads, mums, brothers, sisters… or whoever it is that needs somebody.
The younger generation are there for you. – Leonie Case
Professional view...
In my work with military personnel I often see how difficult it is for people to reach out in difficult times.
Soldiers can have rigid rules – ‘I have to be strong, no matter what’.
Feeling unable to cope can feel like a weakness and can therefore trigger shame and self-criticism.
There can often be a tendency to put loved ones first, no matter their age, and a fear of being a burden or of letting others down.
Sadly, this can sometimes spiral into very dark thoughts.
All of this emotional turmoil can mean people isolate themselves from those that care about them, which further compounds the distress.
It can take real strength and bravery to overcome this battle that might be going on in someone’s mind.
However, opening up is how people become closer.
Many talk about how honoured they feel to be able to be there for someone at their darker moments, and how it has deepened their bond. And feeling less alone can be a powerful antidote to distress.
Dr Lucy Knowles
Consultant clinical psychologist,
Department of Community Mental Health
Leonie Case has set up the Lean on Me project in The Rifles Regiment, to encourage parents to consider turning to their adult children in times of need. Go to theriflesnetwork.co.uk/news for details.
